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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24035371">I think I remember you (Lily pads in my waters)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravityplant/pseuds/gravityplant'>gravityplant</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Far Future, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, cloning, past major character death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:20:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,757</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24035371</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravityplant/pseuds/gravityplant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It feels like the day the accident happened again when the tragic news reached Dan's ears. When he broke down on his knees. Tears flowing down his cheeks, shoulders shaking. Louise running to his side, cradling him against her chest. He doesn’t want to remember. What was he thinking when he asked them to clone Phil? </p><p>He guesses he just wanted to feel happy again. </p><p>-</p><p>Dan gets Phil as a clone after his death. They have to form a new relationship...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Howell/Phil Lester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I think I remember you (Lily pads in my waters)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Beta: phuzzyphan, Thank you for all the help and the positive words, you're wonderful!</p><p>-</p><p>Lily pads in my waters...</p><p>"The Nymphaea waterlilies perfectly symbolise innocence, purity, fertility, pleasure, celebration, hope, rebirth, wellness, and peace. All ancient cultures around the world have associated the white lilies with gods and spirituality." - https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&amp;rct=j&amp;q=&amp;esrc=s&amp;source=web&amp;cd=2&amp;ved=2ahUKEwjQnNHKzp7pAhWMposKHUFLAoAQFjABegQICxAE&amp;url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.ewaterplant.com%2Fmeaning-of-water-lily-flowers%2F&amp;usg=AOvVaw3SLDxFH_APjqt9CeYBX5NC</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Prologue</strong>
</p><p>He had to. That was the first thing he told himself. He had to persuade himself into believing that what he had done was right.</p><p>He wasn’t even sure he had done the right thing. He was just a heartbroken guy who’d lost his boyfriend in a horrible accident. A heartbroken guy who’d asked them to please just bring him back to life. A horrible person who just wanted back the person that was his whole world.</p><p>But as it seems his whole world has forgotten everything about him.</p><p>Phil is just a shell. He doesn’t know anything about Dan. It hurts every time Dan is reminded that Phil doesn’t have any feeling for him or he doesn’t remember the endless nights talking. The mornings, waking up next to each other.</p><p>He’s just a shell.</p><p>But he’s still Phil, he’s everything Phil was without the feelings. They have to start their relationship anew. Every little conversation, trying to tell Phil about their history breaks his fragile heart. It feels like the day the accident happened again when the tragic news reached Dan's ears. When he broke down on his knees. Tears flowing down his cheeks, shoulders shaking. Louise running to his side, cradling him against her chest.</p><p>He doesn’t want to remember. What was he thinking when he asked them to clone Phil? He guesses he just wanted to feel happy again.</p><p>-</p><p>
  <strong>Chapter 1</strong>
</p><p>Nervously Dan paces over the kitchen floor, his phone has been in his hand all morning. He should probably worry that the tight grip around it would cause cracks but he can't think of anything else right now. Any minute now they might call and tell Dan that the cloning process is finished.</p><p>He can't really distinguish what the upset feeling in his stomach is. If it's the feeling of guilt, going against the laws of nature just to bring back one human or just the fact that he'll be able to see his boyfriend again, the living breathing version of him. He'll be able to hold his hand again, smell the familiar scent lingering around him and see those blue bright eyes take him in like he's the embodiment of the sun.</p><p>Probably both to be honest.</p><p>Dan lays the phone down on the kitchen counter forcing his own fingers to let go of the object before he grips the shirt he's wearing and pulling it up over his nose. The material's bundling in his hands and making the shirt ride up showing the audience clear kitchen his midriff.</p><p>He breathes in and yes, the faint smell of him still taints the unwashed material. Like a virus, Dan is drawn to it, as if it's his life source. It's still Phil's shirt, it will never stop being Phil's shirt, but maybe if he keeps it from the laundry machine a little longer it will still smell like he owns it still, like he's actually alive.</p><p>Dan lets go of the material in a hustle when his phone vibrates against the cool marble surface of the kitchen counter. His cold fingers scramble after it nearly dropping the high technological machine before he manages to answer. "Howell," he says, registering his name. The mandatory validation beep is resounding through his empty flat before a voice is breaking through the disheartening background noise.</p><p>"Dan," she speaks, her voice bringing forth that authority he's always liked about her in the first place.</p><p>"Yeah," he says, voice cracking and sounding a lot more feeble than he'd intended.</p><p>"He's ready for you to check out, and Dan, before you get too guilty, think of it as checking out a patient that has just been in need of a little extra medical attention." Dan is silent on the other end of the line. She seems to take it as him not being completely convinced.</p><p>"Look, Dan, a lot of people don't even know about cloning, it's just you don't hear about it because the internet is overshone by the many new inventions that have come just this year. people don't have the time nor are they interested in reading about stories of dead people being cloned. You've nothing to feel bad for, okay?"</p><p>Dan swallows "no" he tries to say but it ends up sounding more like a question than him being sure of what she's just said.</p><p>-</p><p>As he's walking through the corridors his eyes are drawn to the new's displays text, running past him on the walls. He catches the words <em>accident</em> and <em>death</em> and quickly his gaze escapes the reality of it before it comes crashing down on him.</p><p>He's sure Kate's there already waiting for him. Apparently, he has to be there when Phil awakes. She says it's important that he sees a familiar face. Maybe she's hoping that he'll remember Dan. Of course, Dan wants to believe it- but how could a new life form, a clone of Phil, have the old Phil's memories and feelings, he's just a shell and nothing more.</p><p>Dan sighs, dragging his hand down his face in frustration. He's tired, his mind has been pestering him for nights now, and he hasn't been able to grasp much sleep.</p><p>As soon as he turns the corner and sees Kate standing outside, leaned against the door with her eyes closed he hurries to her. She opens her eyes when she hears him coming. She looks equally as tired as him but she motions for him to open the door.</p><p>It should be hard to open the door, he should want to take his time, but he just wants to be finished with this and return home with Phil by his side.</p><p>As soon as he opens the door two blue eyes meet his. He's sitting there watching Dan over his shoulder with interested eyes. His hair is brown and short. Dan is so used to seeing it black...</p><p>He stops in his steps, standing in the doorway just looking at Phil. Carefully he smiles a little, Phil doesn't react other than raising his eyebrows slightly. Dan doesn't know what it is but he can't take it. Before a frown can spread on his palling face he walks out abruptly closing the door behind him and gliding down against the door. Head resting against his knees.</p><p>"Kate, I can't do this" he exhales, shaking his head. She springs up from the wall she's leaned against, striding over to him with her hands plunged in her squeaky, broad, white plastic-y jeans. Her posture is relaxed.</p><p>She crouches down and pats him on the shoulder encouragingly. "Sure you can, buddo," she gives him that askew half-smile that he's come to appreciate.</p><p>He shakes his head again despondently. She lets go of him standing up with a spring in her steps. It's clear she's in good form by the fluid movement of her body. It's as if she is emerged in water, as if her body perceives time differently than Dan's clumpy, uncoordinated one.</p><p>She stretches her arms before crossing them over her white nurse-gown. "give him a try?" Her voice bears a clang of determination and it has an edge to it, like she's irritated with him for giving up so easily.</p><p>Dan swallows, gesticulating vaguely at the door behind him "He's... not Phil." His voice sounds so tiny and miserable, her features seem to soften a fraction.</p><p>She walks up to him again but doesn't crouch this time, instead looking down at him. Warily she says "but... he is." Her tone sounds oddly warm and positive and Dan wants to scream out in frustration.</p><p>Dan shakes his head. "He might look like Phil but those eyes, I saw no recognition in them. That glow they used to have when Phil... um... is not there in his eyes".</p><p>-</p><p>Dan leans against the wall just inside of the door. He crosses his arms to stop his hands from shaking so badly. He's sitting on the edge of the examination table. Just watching him makes the hair on Dan's arms stand straight up. He opens his mouth trying to say something to make him take notice of Dan. But his jaw locks in place, hanging open as if it refuses to form so much as a word.</p><p>He thought that maybe after that cup of coffee his hands would stop shaking. He hoped that after Kate's softly spoken convincing he'd be able to pull himself together. As if he could just glue himself together like some sort of broken vase... How stupid of him to believe something like that. What had he thought that bringing Phil back from the dead wouldn't have a price? He... he doesn't know. He can't even answer his own question. Feeling like he's left with a feeling of loneliness even though he isn't alone in the room.</p><p>Maybe he should just leave? How could he look that carbon copy of Phil in the eyes without feeling like something was askew, divining that the light behind those eyes isn't the same? They don't burst into flames when they see Dan, Dan doesn't evoke anything at all in those eyes, not even a tiny little spark. He pushes himself off the wall, swallowing thickly. He should go.</p><p>Dan's just about to walk out again when he looks over. His big, rounded, blue eyes look at Dan, takes him in. He tilts his head a little without saying anything.</p><p>He just stares dumbly at the man who looks like Phil, frantically trying to decide what to do. But his mind is hazy and confused and he's scared? Most of all he finds to his surprise that he wants to crawl up to Phil's side and cry like a little child.</p><p>But his body is locked in place and the emotions seething inside of him can't find a way out. Because Dan has mastered keeping his emotions in check when he needs to. He had to after... Phil... it just made things a lot easier. To brush off their worry and tell them to not worry, that he's fine. That's probably why his house is flooded with guilt and the atmosphere blue, the walls water damaged. Turns out one human can't contain all of that emotion without turning on the faucet now and then to relieve some pressure. It just made things a lot easier in the four weeks that have passed...</p><p>"Have we met?" The other Phil says suddenly, he's got a cute frown and Dan forgets how to breathe for a second.</p>
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